


I got kinda used to being someone you loved

by redlipsredledger



Category: Altered Carbon
Genre: F/M, Kovacs got resleeved, Kristin doesn't know what she wants, Kristin is torn, Ryker isn't happy, Tak is in denial, Tak loves Kristin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-01-13 07:42:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18464515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: Okay so I decided to do something after Tak had been resleeved and Kristin tries to work out what the hell it is that she wants. Tak knows he should move on but he's struggling...This is a WIP and I'll be adding to things, if anyone thinks it's any good. Maybe... Help? Lmao





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going under and this time I feel there's no one to save me; this all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy. I need somebody to heal, somebody to know, somebody to have, somebody to hold. It's easy to say but it's never the same, I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain. Now the day bleeds into night fall and you're not here to get me through it all. I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. - Lewis Capaldi, Someone you loved.
> 
> I feel like this song really fits these two, I really do.

He held out his hands, his, not Rykers. They were as close to being his as he was going to get anyway; Kovacs closed brown eyes in a vain attempt to block out the buzzing lights above his head; they were flickering and his already fragile mind ached. It was always like that when you got resleeved though, wasn't it? It was chaos, mind racing and unclear; the fog should start to abate at any moment but for now, he couldn't find enough clarity to even form a coherent thought and so, he stared at his hands.

He turned them over, tilting his head this way and then that as he fought through the haze, determined not to give in to the wave of sadness that bubbled inside of his heart. It hadn't been that long since he surrendered the man that had been his host for the past several months, and somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if Ryker was in one of these rooms on this endless corridor, trying to find his bearings too after months and months of being on ice for a murder he hadn't committed and of course, the thoughts of the cop brought forth thoughts of _her_. He was trying so goddamn hard not to think about her; his part in her life was done, and any decent man would let her walk away and go on with her life.

But hadn't he lost enough? Takeshi Kovacs had killed the final person in the world that connected him to his past knowing all too well that he was giving up probably his last chance of ever finding Quell, if at all Rei had been telling the truth and her stack had survived all these years and that pain remained in him like acid burning away at his soul. Was he wrong? Had he made the wrong choice and sacrificed the last chance that he'd have to be happy?

Footsteps in the corridor had him reactive, panicking almost as he patted the bed around him looking for a gun; this went on for almost a minute before he realised that he was no longer in any viable danger, or at least he shouldn't be. There was no one left that wanted to control him or worse, that was the deal after all wasn't it? He solved the case and now he was free, whatever that meant. Freedom was something that he hadn't had in that long now that he had no idea what to do with it.

Finally, the fog that had invaded his mind started to lift, and he reached down for the sweater that had been folded neatly at the end of the bed; he could feel the chill prickle against his skin as he considered asking them if they could turn down the AC and fix the goddamn flickering lights. Wasn't this supposed to be a top  of the range facility? If they couldn't afford to pay a decent goddamn electrician then they should surrender that title. 

Irate, Kovacs rose to his feet as he stretched out new and unfamiliar muscles. His body aching, new and unpracticed in day to day life but at least he wouldn't have to worry about anyone else out there waiting for him to get their body back like Ryker. He couldn't stand the thought of being the reason someone else was losing months of their lives again, or having another lover out there waiting for someone to come back to them just like she was.

He'd been nothing but a pit stop to her, he'd been kidding himself when he'd tried to convince himself that she truly cared but surely, she'd have stopped him from walking away... It wasn't him she wanted, it never had been. She'd been protecting his sleeve the whole time, and he should have seen that; he'd been trained to see that and yet he'd allowed emotion to cloud his judgement. Wasn't that the exact thing that Quell had warned him about? That kind of thing could get you killed. 

He couldn't believe that he'd allowed himself to fall for her the way he had, if in fact that was what he'd done; he denied it vehemently with every ounce of his being but then, Takeshi had done that his whole life. He wasn't one for admitting weakness in absolutely any capacity because he couldn't afford to. His mind - against his will and certainly against his better judgement - flashed back to the conversation he'd had with his sister while she was walking around in Kristin's body, attempting to lure him into Hell only knew what; she'd told him then that he loved her and the fact that he hadn't had the gall to deny it said a whole lot and he knew it. Clearing his throat - felt like razor blades - Kovacs reached out, cracking sore and underused knuckles, wrists and of course his neck; he hated new sleeves, they almost felt robotic in their movements at first.

It took longer than he'd like to break them in as he reached out for the glass of water that had been left waiting for him. If he'd been a more paranoid man he'd have hesitated before draining it but he was safe now. Safe.

Safe.

What a funny little word that was. 

Unsteady legs carried the man toward the door, a mantra over and over in his mind was uttered from new, unfamiliar lips as he reminded himself that this was temporary. This would pass and soon, he'd have full control over himself and his functions but that soon wasn't coming soon enough for him but then, Kovacs had never been the most patient of men. The corridor, grey and dull with its stained tile flooring - again, it wasn't living up to its claim that it was a top of the range, best that you could buy facility - seemed to lead endlessly in both directions as he turned his head from one side to the other, trying to discern which direction it was he should follow.

He needed to get the hell out of here, craving fresh air and a nice cold beer in a familiar setting only, everything familiar to him was now gone. As gone as Quell, as gone as the time of the Envoy, as gone as he should be and he damn well knew it. He was a man out of time, a man that had far outlived everything he'd come to know and love.

A man haunted with memories of a life that even now, he'd do anything to have back. Love clung to your soul like a parasite, though.

Oh, she'd love to hear him say that.

_"A man who never loves gives no hostage to fortune."_

_"A man who doesn't love isn't really a man."_   Was she right? Was he but a shell of a person these days for fear of having something more to lose? Was he simply afraid to admit that he cared? A man walking toward him caught his attention, staring toward Kovacs almost like he was afraid of him had the Envoy stop in his tracks, staring at the young man almost incredulously before he rolled his eyes and carried on his half-walk, half-stagger down the corridor and toward a wide set of grey-white double doors with gleaming, shiny silver handles that looked terribly new and terribly out of place with the rest of the shoddy decor. 

"Hey, hey! Where's the damn--" 

Stopping dead in his tracks, words still hanging on his lips, Tak came face to face with the one person he'd been trying to avoid, and the one person he'd wanted to continue to avoid until his transit left and he was off of this no good planet for good.

But fate - it seemed - had other plans. 


	2. Every breath I've been taking since you left feels like a waste on me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming face to face with her, Kovacs has a lot to work through and whether or not he can tell her how he feels and convince her to hear him out remains to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is a work in progress. It'll be a miracle if I finish it today. It depends on where my muse is tbh and yes, the chapters are titled with Lewis Capaldi's songs because I feel like they fit them really well. So, my dear readers should they end up together?

The door closed behind them with a dull thud and Kovacs could feel the lump in his throat. Brown eyes studied her and for a moment he contemplated walking away; she wouldn't know it was him inside of that but he felt like his feet were held to the floor like they'd been fixed there in cement. He couldn't move even if he wanted to and that wasn't like him at all. Takeshi had never been a weak man, he'd always been strong and yet standing face to face with her now after all they'd been through he felt his strength fleeing his body; he'd lost too much already, could he really bring himself to sacrifice the only thing he really had left to chase a dream in the hopes that Quell was still alive? Was he even certain he felt the same about her anymore?

There was an old saying: If you really loved the first person, you wouldn't be able to fall in love with the second.

"Ortega..." 

Casting his eyes down as he spoke, Kovacs tried to swallow the lump in his throat that felt like it was forbidding him from breathing. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, an old habit the envoy never could shake. He studied people, he watched them carefully because he knew that at times it could be the difference between life and death and he was not ready to meet his death yet, not again. Death wasn't always permanent in this world but he sure as hell didn't want to go through it again. 

"How-- Is he awake?"

It felt bitter in his mouth, the words burned him like acid. He knew she'd be here and she'd be here for Ryker, not him and he felt like a fool for not being more careful and avoiding her. It would have been better for them both.

He watched the way her expression changed, the pain that danced across her features and the anguish in her eyes and it took all his strength not to reach out to her; that wasn't his place and he knew it. She loved another, she'd always loved another and yet for a moment, just a brief and fleeting moment he'd hoped that all the time that they'd spent and all they'd been through would be enough to make her stay but it hadn't. She hadn't stopped him when he was walking away, not that he should have expected her to do it in the first place. Elias Ryker deserved his body back and Kovacs knew that the decent thing to do was give him that, and he intended to all along but he'd never intended to fall for her in the process. None of what happened had been intentional and he hadn't known the direction that it would take him or the people who'd become such an intricate part of him that walking away from them felt like a stab in the heart.

She'd curse him for being so weak and he knew it; Quell had taught him that the only way he could survive in the world was to find people and use them to achieve his objective though, but he'd never accounted for the fact that he'd come to care for them. She ran her tongue across her lips, fighting back tears he could tell and she nodded her head wordlessly.  _Yes_. Kovacs gave her a look of understanding, his lead heavy legs moved reluctantly as he stepped aside to let her pass. 

"Kovacs."She stated his name the way that she had that last time.

The pain in her voice brought his eyes back to hers and his hand reached for hers. 

"It's okay. It's okay."

he nodded, reassuring her that he understood, that he wanted her to know that he understood that she had a life to return to, a life that he simply didn't fit in and that was okay. He'd live with it because he had no choice but she didn't have to live with that pain, too. She could move on, go back to her life and he'd forgive her for it.

After all, what right did he have to expect her to throw it all away for him, anyway?

"No."she responded softly. 

"I should have done something."

He knew exactly what she was talking about: She should have done something more in that moment that they'd said a goodbye that left so much unsaid and so much torment inside of the both of them. 

"You have a life to go back to, Kristin. I get it. You love him."

As much as it pained him to say it, she'd made it clear back at the start that she was only doing what she was to make sure that Ryker had a body to return to once she found a way to clear his name and they'd succeeded in that. Elias Ryker was a free man, exonerated of his crimes and free to return to his life now, just as Kovacs was free to do whatever he wanted and go wherever he'd wanted to go because he'd done what he was supposed to. 

He'd solved the impossible mystery that surrounded Laurens Bancroft. He'd done his job. He'd killed his sister. He'd stopped anyone else dying at the hands of a woman that none of them would ever be able to understand. He'd been ready to die for that, but he couldn't bring himself to take her chance of happiness away and so, he'd done what he could to preserve the body he'd inhabited.

"I did."She conceded, and he offered her a quizzical look. 

"After everything, all we went through... I owed you more."


End file.
